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While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what exactly do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" "To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"
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